Sunday, 8 March 2015

REVIEW: CREATURE


Any film that goes by the name of Creature is already displaying an enormous lack of creativity, and after ten minutes in the company of Fred Andrews’ shocker your worst fears will be realised. It takes just 45 seconds for the filmmakers to present us with our first dose of nudity, and one minute later we witness our first kill. It’s the pre-credit death sequence that graces pretty much every teen horror movie made today, and the lack of originality doesn’t stop there. Before the three-minute mark arrives we are introduced to a group of beautiful (infuriating) teenagers setting themselves up for the slaughter, and before you ask the question, yes, one of them is black.

Six minutes pass by before we meet the first of our weird locals, who mutters manically as the Scooby gang stops off for petrol. In the store they are greeted by a familiar bunch of hillbilly folk who warn of impending doom. Thankfully though, the teenagers aren’t smart enough to take their advice and choose instead to mock the random newspaper articles littered about the place, depicting death and disaster for all who stay there. So we have nudity, our first kill, dumb teenagers (one black), weird locals and warnings of trouble ahead. All of which takes place in the first ten minutes. Having said that, who said horror movies have to be original in order to entertain? We only have to wait 44 minutes before a little girl on girl action, and as far as silver linings go, that’s pretty much all I’ve got.

There’s little chance of me ruining your night in on this one, everything that happens is telegraphed in the opening act. Lost and alone in the backwoods of Louisiana, a small group of friends find themselves hunted by a monster of unspeakable evil and cringe worthy special effects. He actually sounds like the local pervert as he preys on his victims, but we’ll let that one go for now. Legend tells of an abomination, a creature that is half man, half alligator, and one sick puppy. A creature that feeds off human flesh, though it’s hard to tell at times because he does most of his killing off screen. The light at the end of the tunnel is the presence of Sid Haig (The Devil's Rejects, House of 1000 Corpses), but he too can be an acquired taste at times, so if you’re not already a fan you really are bang out of luck.

Clich├ęd horror movies can still be fun, especially if they bring out the heavy artillery for the death scenes. Fred Andrews fails emphatically. Creature is a largely bloodless affair, blessed with next to no spark of originality. The back-story is hopelessly goofy, and you wont know whether to laugh or cry as the story unfolds. We get our first glimpse of the killer on seventeen minutes, and there’s a good chance it will also be your last. The creature effects are mystifying tragic, and once again, you wont know how to react as the second death sequence unfolds. It’s impossible to tell whether the filmmakers are aiming for irony, comedy or genuine terror, but they fail on all counts.

Things pick up at the start of the second act when we’re lured back in by some gratuitous nudity. Girl on girl action is all well and good, but it’s nice to know the filmmakers haven’t given up completely, after 44 agonising minutes we’re reminded there’s a pervert (creature) on the loose. It doesn’t last long though. Two minutes later we’re back amongst the lustful teens for the films one (and only) sex scene. It’s not all doom and gloom though, four minutes on and we’re rewarded with a little sunshine. Fred Andrews lays his cards on the table and reveals his big twist. In no time at all our witless teens work out what’s going on, and unfortunately for the viewer, this is the part where Creature – much like every other dumb horror movie – starts to take itself seriously. In other words, boredom strikes and Creature loses its way completely.

Uninspired and not nearly bloody enough, Fred Andrews has delivered one of the dullest horror movies of the year. Creature is a lifeless chore from start to finish, with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Unless you count the nudity that is, but that’s what they invented the Internet for. With no thrills, a weak script, zero tension and laughable effects, Creature fails to thrill in every way. You have been warned.


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